insecurities are breeding inside of Me

(Source: its-getting-harder-to-feel-alive)

You are the reason I ever began cutting myself.

You started to fade away when I was about 8.

At age 11, I started cutting myself. It may only have been a scratch or two, but the intention was always the same.I remember. Ben, my cousin gave me a duct tape origami rose on a paperclip stem. I used that paperclip to scratch up my wrist.

At age 12, you decided to walk out on my mom and I. At age 12, you also made me meet your girlfriend from highschool who claimed to have aborted your baby. And I was supposed to be okay with it and be nice to her.

At age 13, begun my depression.

At age 14, I fell deeper into depression. I didnt talk to my friends or hang out with them. I refused to eat. I lost ten pounds in a month.

At age 15, I still had no answers to anything. But, I felt better because I was dating a guy who had a similar family issue and understood me and what I was going through. He was my best friend. It soon came to an end when he was ignoring me. I would sneak outside my house at night and bring a pocket knife. I’d cut myself. No one ever noticed.

At age 16, I got introduced to a razor blade. I was in Biology and we had tons of un used razors in the back of the classroom one day. I took only one. And hence, begun the bleeding. I was doing alright, I had a great relationship and I loved him so much. But it didn’t last long until my happiness was crushed. He had cheated on me several times. Although I forgave him, it didn’t stop the hurt. I’d cut more, and more frequently but never deep at all. Later that year, he begun to focus more on his band and blow me off. I was sad I couldn’t see him. On top of that, my dad was home occasionally but would only yell at me about grades. So, I cut more. Then I broke up with the love of my life. Well, I went insane. Carving his name in my ankle, cutting up my wrists, and I decided to try smoking and drinking.

Now, at age 17, I realized I cant love someone who is in love with his new girlfriend. No matter how much I care about him, I know it will never work. I smoked pot for the first time, then twice more. My dad began hitting me. Telling me I’m worthless and lazy. That what happened between my mom and him is none of my business. He tells me I’m a child. But contradicts himself by saying I need to stop thinking about grown up matters and tells me to pay my phone bill. I cut deeper. A lot.

In a years span, I’ve gone from a few cuts on my wrist to both of my wrists covered in marks. I cut up not across my wrist. I now have 20 scars on my upper arm. I have at least 50 long, deep cuts from my hip down past my shorts. Cuts on my neck. Cuts on my lower legs.

I’m suicidal now. I think how many pills it will take to overdose.

The saddest part, you don’t realize my scars. You dont care that I am depressed or suicidal. You joke about cutting. You still don’t change.

Why dad?

Why don’t you care?

You make me wonder, look in the mirror, and think to myself, Am I really as worthless as you make me seem?

How do you live with the fact that you made me this way?

Reblog if your father has ever walked out on you or gave up on you.